7 reasons why we get hurt

By Marge C. Enriquez
Philippine Daily Inquirer

PROTECTION IS OFTEN equated with physical means—vaccines, security guards, martial arts or amulets. But majority of us would never think about protecting ourselves from being emotionally scarred by others. Says London-based author and motivational speaker Mike George, “We will never need to worry about being hurt by others as our average day carries very little physical threat. However, if we move to the mental and emotional level, there appears to be a different kind of possibility that we may get hurt. Our symptoms of hurt emerge as a result of blaming, complaining and accusing others for ‘making me feel this way.’ Is that because, like physical hurt, we are not strong enough or not powerful enough to protect ourselves, or is it because we feel we are at the mercy of other people and circumstances ... Do we need some kind of ‘bouncer system’ standing guard at the windows of our minds and at the doors of our heart?”

Here are seven reasons why we might feel hurt.

Insulted. “How dare you say that to me!” We can easily feel disrespected or sullied when somebody makes derogatory or unflattering remarks about our work or our personality.

Offended. “Can you believe what they just said about ‘my’ religion, beliefs, ideas, etc.” The feeling is similar to being offended after someone makes disparaging comments of another person’s appearance, actions or speech. In our “conclusion” of the other, we see them doing or saying something against our own values or beliefs.

Let down. “I’m so disappointed in you because you’ve let me down.” Getting upset or disappointed comes from the perception that someone has not met our expectations. Whether they showed up late or failed to do what they said, we take it personally. Once our sorrow has waned, we hold on to a negative impression of them.

Betrayed. “How could you tell them what I said, how can I ever trust you again?” In truth, people don’t have the power to merge especially when they are asked to keep a secret. The hurt comes when we expect people not to pass on what we said.

Robbed. “They took everything from me.” We feel violated when something precious is taken away from us. It’s not just theft; even businesses are out to mooch us they can for their product and service.

Broken promise. “But you promised me...” It’s a personal hurt when someone does not keep his word, whether it’s the parent who fails to purchase the toy for Christmas, the boss who fails to deliver a promotion, or a friend who fails to pay a debt.

Excluded. “You didn’t invite me...” You feel insecure when you’re not included to an event or group that you aspired to be part of. The sensitive feelings are heightened when there’s the thought, “What’s wrong with me?”

It feels as if life offers many opportunities to feel hurt and powerless in the face of other people’s behavior or the prevailing situation. That’s just a matter of perception. George points out that these responses are actually habits of creating our own suffering.

Self-empowerment

Here are his suggestions for self-empowerment.

1. Accept responsibility. The main responsibility in life is the ability to respond. Any hurt reactions are self-created and not caused by another person or event. That’s easier said than done. George says it takes time for the situation or the reaction to die down. By then, we see things more objectively and realize that we feel hurt because “the world is not dancing to our tune.”

2. End controlling. Majority of the hurts stem from the fact that people are not behaving the way we want them to behave. “Our emotional reaction is a sign that we are trying to control what we cannot control,” says George.

3. Be happy anyway. The media and social conditioning have led us to believe that we can’t be happy unless we’ve got this or that. But as long as our contentment is based on another human being or situation, our emotions will vacillate and we will be unable to be centered inside and be genuinely nice to others.

4. Letting go. The cause of all sorrow is holding on to ideas, belief systems, possessions, people and, more significantly, attachment to images of how others should behave. Letting go means not expending our energy on these attachments and instead responding positively to the situation.

5. Self-awareness. Take a few minutes each day and note down the times you felt hurt by someone or by a situation, and see why it was caused by your reaction and not them. This exercise will remind us that we create our own feelings regardless of other people’s behavior. George points out that we could even be guilty of doing what hurts others and we may not be aware of it.

Once we’ve taken up the cudgels for change, here are the signs of self-empowerment:

1. Whatever insults are hurled to you are just words, not sticks and stones.

2. You are not offended when you are no longer holding on to a belief system about how people should speak or behave or dress up.

3. You don’t feel hurt when someone lets you down because you’ve learned not to make your happiness dependent on your expectations of others.

4. You don’t feel betrayed when a person divulges confidential information which you shared. “You know that you cannot control what others will do with what you share,” says George.

5. You can’t be robbed of anything because the real treasures are spiritual. Everything else that is material is ephemeral.

6. You can’t be hurt by broken promises because you accept that people can’t always be relied upon to conform with what they’ve said, and your happiness is not dependent on a fulfilled promised.

7. You don’t feel bad if you’ve been ignored or even blackballed. Self-esteem is not dependent on acceptance from others. “You no longer need to be involved in anything to be content within yourself. You know there is nothing wrong with you. You are a free spirit,” says George.