Prison survival tips for Gloria

By Rene Ciria-Cruz
INQUIRER.net

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“Christmas in Jail for Arroyos Seen”—INQUIRER.net headline

SAN FRANCISCO—Oh, boy. While they must be deemed innocent until yadda, yadda, it doesn’t look good for former President Gloria Arroyo and her husband Mike. Both may be in the slammer by Christmas for allegedly committing massive election fraud in 2004 and 2007.

But Gloria is strong; she’ll do okay, perhaps even thrive in prison. Nonetheless, here are useful survival tips for her (and Mike as well) in case she does end up in the can. These are tested techniques that have long worked for convicted murderers and felons:

Assume that you are being listened to at all times. Most holding cells are bugged, and prison phones could be too. So, if Garci calls, just say a simple “Hi.” Remember, they had you at “Hello.”

Whatever you do, don’t get tattooed. You may not be able to get a job later in life. Also, you may be tempted to join a gang for security. Try not to be openly identified with any–like HGL (Happy Go Lucky Gang), BnG (Bahala Na) or BSL (Batang Samar Leyte). Ask if they accept secret members, or secret funding.

Be respectful and polite to guards and other prisoners. Do not say “Oy! Oy!” or order them around. Never give them a glacial stare. They’re not as diplomatic as U.S. embassy officials who ask about election cheating. And giving somebody the finger isn’t considered polite even in prison, so don’t if you can help it.

A shiv will be indispensable. It’s an improvised stabbing implement. Every convict has one, in case of riots, gang warfare, or just any prison fight. Your bodyguards won’t be imprisoned with you, so always take your shiv with you to the shower. To make a shiv: Before entering prison, hide a long nail flat in the heel of your shoe. After sharpening it on your cell pavement, hide it in a bar of soap, or under your slipper, or in your underwear’s waistband.

Do not talk about your case–or in your case, cases–with anyone. Your cellmate or anybody could later testify against you to get time off–like that turncoat Zaldy Ampatuan. Pretend everything’s cool with him. When you take out a contract, be really discreet. The people on Death Row may be able to help with finding pros for the job.

Workout regularly so you can bulk up. Big biceps and ripped torsos can scare away cons that may want to intimidate or enslave you or make you their “bitch.” This applies to Mike also. Do not gamble, even for cigarettes. You can make enemies if you win, or fall into debt if you lose. In which case, you could end up as somebody’s bitch. If you can’t avoid gambling, learn how to cheat. But that’s nothing new. So no sweat.

You can also be somebody’s bitch if you seek protection from someone stronger. This is risky. You can be lost in a bet or be used as payment for a debt, cigarettes, porn magazines, etc. and get passed around as everybody’s bitch. (Warning to Mike: They like plump inside.)

If you want to become a bosyo or trustee, be more sophisticated in rigging the vote. Don’t tape anything or keep any written records. A misstep could be fatal. A safer alternative is to see if the warden was your political appointee. That will help a lot. If you can’t set up a Gloria Support Committee outside, have the manicurist you appointed to the Pag-IBIG Housing Fund start a letter-writing drive to the warden supporting your appointment. Actually, your favorite bishops would be better campaigners—they have more moral authority. Once a bosyo, you can boss around offending prisoners by spitting out lines like, “What we have heah is th’ failyuh ta communicate!”

Learn how to write really teeny-tiny letters to loved ones in teeny-tiny pieces of paper or cigarette palara, which you will fold to one-inch size and smuggle outside to communicate with your bagmen. Learn how to write on the wall with your fingernail in the dark. You’ll need that to pass the time and keep your sanity in solitary, should you be unlucky enough to end up in the tank for giving the guard a glacial stare.

Again to maintain sanity, enrich your cultural life while inside. Join the dancing prisoners team. You could be a hit on YouTube. To fight boredom, train a mouse or a cockroach to do tricks. Or you could start taking care of bird nestlings and gain new fame as the Birdwoman of Bilibid.

Ask a relative to bake you a cake with a file or a length of hacksaw blade inside, in case you want to break out later. You’ll need to arrange for a helicopter to spirit you out of the prison yard. A used chopper will do. It doesn’t have to be brand-new. Also, see if the gardener you appointed as deputy to the Luneta Park administration can dig you a tunnel from the outside. You can also ask Jose Pidal’s E.C. de Luna Construction to do that if necessary.

Being in prison is like being in a jungle full of predators. It’s always better not to commit a crime so you can avoid imprisonment. In your case, however, it may already be too late. So here’s an original poem I wrote to cheer you up in advance of the holidays:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House

Not a solon was stirring, not even a louse.

Ate Glo was handcuffed by the bailiff with care,

In hopes that the warden soon would be there.

The First Couple waited all snug and well fed,

While visions of escape routes danced in their heads.

Then she smirked glacially with Mike on her lap,

Adding up the years in that long sheet of rap.

Five for election rigging, ten years for graft,

Ten and twenty more for who knows what.

But weep not, dear couple, time goes like a flash,

When you get out, you’ll still have plenty of cash.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

While in Cebu City, please visitgregmelep.com for your retirement and real estate needs.

P&G’s Filipina Baby Care GM couldn’t take no for an answer

By: Doris C. Dumlao
Philippine Daily Inquirer

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ONLY female Asian GM in P&G, world’s largest consumer products company

Hers is an inspiring story of hope shared by people who had given it to her at the time she needed it most.

Thus says Ma. Fatima “Fama” De Vera-Francisco, one of the three BPInoy 2011 awardees for outstanding international achievement.

Fama is the highest ranking and only Asian female general manager in the world’s largest consumer products company, Procter & Gamble, in its global headquarters located in Cincinnati, Ohio in the United States.

As head of the Baby Care and Global Innovation, she is responsible for about $2.5 billion worth of sales and 2,000 employees.

She was chosen as a BPInoy honoree for setting a world-class standard for child’s personal care and by climbing the global corporate ladder of P&G – against all odds that is. Her fellow BPInoy awardees this year are global boxing champion Manny Pacquiao, now the House Representative of Sarangani Province and Black Eyed Peas founding member Allan Pineda Lindo Jr. a.k.a. “Apl de Ap.”

BPInoy, now on its sixth year, is an annual recognition to outstanding overseas Filipinos given by Ayala-ledBank of the Philippine Islands, Southeast Asia’s oldest bank which is also celebrating its 160th year this 2011.

These days, Fama has lived and worked in multiple geographies and locations –

Philippines, Japan, and then Cincinnati.

She has led organizations across all aspects of business –  developed markets, lower-income markets, current business management, design and new business development.

One of her recent achievements is the successful launch of P&G’s premium diaper line in Japan, China and Eastern Europe and the company’s latest diaper innovation that delivers outstanding dryness in a much thinner diaper across North America and Europe.

NOEL and Fama Francisco in Chicago

As a leader, she believes that people are the most important assets.  “The most important role of a leader is handpicking the right talent, giving them challenging roles, and continually investing in their development so they can become future leaders of the company,” she says.

The BPInoy award is another feather to Fama’s cap. In 2005, she was recognized by one of the big four international accounting firms, Deloitte and Touche, in its “Wise Women” program. She was also named by the Cincinnati Business Courier as an emerging leader in its “Forty under 40” program.

In 2009, Fama was an Agora Awardee for Excellence in International Marketing, Philippine Marketing Association. Her alma mater, St. Scholastica’s College, had also cited her as an outstanding alumna, citing her mentoring of young Asians in P&G and Xavier University, as well as volunteering for Religious Education in Good Shepherd Parish, Cincinnati.

As cited by BPI, Fama is indeed viewed as a “woman who has, and is continuing to, blaze trails for other women.” To top it all, she has progressed in her career, while raising a family. She is a mother of four young children and leads a fast-paced, diverse organization and business.

Not bad for someone who once upon a time never thought she could finish schooling for lack of resources.

Lifeliners

Fama came from a family of limited means. Her mother was a teacher who supported five children while her father was sick for a very long time.

During the awarding ceremonies of BPInoy 2011, Fama recalled that the first lifeline to her family came from the nuns of St. Scholastica’s College, where her mother taught. The nuns allowed her and her siblings to study for free and even eat lunch for free.

AT the Arch of St. Louis with kids

When her father passed away in 1985, Fama says she wasn’t sure whether she could afford to go to college. After her dad’s funeral, an uncle gave her an ATM (automated teller machine) card – which incidentally was BPI-issued – saying that if she continued to study hard, he would deposit money to that account regularly. ATMs were only being popularized in the local market then and Fama says she didn’t even know how to use it.

“That blue ATM card was my lifeline,” Fama says, noting that she thus went to the University of the Philippines College of Business Administration.

P&G has always been her dream job and this she pursued after college. She applied for a slot at the marketing department. She passed the first three interviews but didn’t make the cut at the fourth.

“It was almost the end of my dreams but I couldn’t take no for an answer,” she says.  She looked up a P&G executive who had given a career talk at her college and told him she would really love to be employed by P&G.

That exec agreed to give her a second chance. In its half a century of operation in the Philippines, P&G had never hired women and was then reconsidering that strategy.

In that crucial interview, Fama was asked only one question: “Do you know how to drive?”  She didn’t know to drive at that time but knowing that she could otherwise lose the opportunity, told the interviewer she did. Thus she was able to join P&G sales team.  “One of the side benefit was that I found my husband Noel,” she says.

“When I joined P&G, I never thought I would be the GM, the chances were zero percent,” she says.  She was proven wrong 22 years later.

“I am where I am today because of the people who gave me hope,” she says.

Fama is thus a success story of how a Filipino stood out in a highly competitive field in a global economy and doing this by being a mom.

“As a wife and mother, family comes first.  I’m fortunate to be working for a company that shares those values, and enables it’s employees to achieve work and life balance,” she says.

P & G’s baby shower event

Fama says she and her husband jointly manage their busy travel and work schedules to ensure that they provide the appropriate attention and guidance needed to raise their four children.

“The kids all have their share of responsibilities too. It can get very busy, but we are a great tag-team!”

Would she want her children to follow her footsteps? “I believe my role is to guide them, provide the very best faith-formation and education.  We inspire them to pursue their dream and do their best in whatever career they choose.  Our greatest dream is that our children grow up to be Christ-centered, selfless and happy adults who are proud of their Filipino heritage.”

BPI chair Jaime Augusto Zobel de Ayala says the role of overseas Filipinos had been “under-appreciated” and that this was the bank’s way of giving recognition to exceptional achievements like that of Fama’s.

Past BPInoy awardees include: Indiana-based neurosurgeon and founder/chair of Hydrocephalus Foundation of the Philippines Dr. Manny Cacdac; international singing sensation Charice Pempengco; White House executive chef Cristeta Comerford; chief representative for the Asia and the Pacific of the Bank of International Settlements Eli Remolona; renowned painter Anita Magsaysay-Ho; Singapore-based BBC anchor Rico Hizon; celebrated fashion designer Josie Natori; famous heart surgeon George Garcia of Asian Hospital & Medical Center; international fashion designer Monique Lhuillier; US-based technopreneur Diosdado “Dado” Banatao and world-renowned musical theater artist Lea Salonga.

“Aim high and dream big,” is Fama’s advice for the Filipino youth. “Have the drive and hunger to make that dream a reality.  Go for excellence in everything you do.  Don’t get disappointed by trials or failures, they will only make you stronger.  And wherever you go in your career, never forget the ones you love!”

When in Cebu City, please visit gregmelep.com for your retirement and real estate needs.